in-betweens & gray areas

in-betweens sound a lot better than gray areas.
when we talk of in-betweens, you get this idea of the little things, the quiet.
the things that go unnoticed and we tend to look beyond.
i like this kind.

but when it comes to gray areas,
it’s the kind of in-between, where you don’t know where you’re going.
you’re in this place of uncertainty, and you can’t seem to find clarity.

i’m here to talk about this kind.

gray areas are difficult.
once you fall into it, it’s as if there’s no way out.
you start questioning every decision you’ve ever made, and think to yourself,
how the hell did i get here?

your heart starts to race, your palms start sweating,
your eyes get bigger, and your breathing gets faster.
and then,
you’re just lost.

you don’t know who you are anymore or at least you feel as if you’ve been thrown so far away from yourself.

it’s the worst feeling — not knowing yourself,
or not even being able to recognize who you are anymore.

how do you pull yourself out of something like this, when you can’t even tell whom to pull out?

so many things are happening all at the same time,
and you’re just lost in this gray area.

my mind has never been this clouded, and
my heart has never been through this kind of pain before.
nothing hurts more than losing your sense of self.

how can i undo this?

how can i bring myself back to same feeling and state as i was,
when i could feel all the fire and life inside me?

back to when i knew who i was and wanted to be.

i want to say i need someone or something to save me, 
but it’s n0t about being saved anymore.
it’s about carrying myself through this and whatever i may be put through again.
i need to be able to do this.

but then again,
it’s not that simple.
you can’t make your heart feel as light as when you wash away all the dirt from your body at the end of the day.

it stays in your chest. over and over and over the last pain and heart break.

i’m broken. and i’ve never felt this kind of broken as much as i do now.
let’s start there.